Taken from Joyce’s next book project, He’s Not Listening.
Many of us make quick assumptions, and they are often way off target. It’s important to tell our husbands what help we want around the house, give them gift ideas, and share our favorite restaurants. Then, we need to ask them what they like and listen carefully when they answer.
Asking for Intimacy
In the same way, we cannot access our husbands’ thoughts unless they share them. One of the crazy facts about talking with our loved ones is that we use the exact words or phrases, but they mean something different to each individual, or carry specific connotations for men and women. If our husband says he’s tired, it probably means he wants to sleep. If a gal says she feels exhausted but smiles, it might mean she hopes her husband will join her in the bedroom.
Since guys often take statements at face value, this gal’s husband most likely didn’t get the message she hoped to convey. He didn’t realize she had invited him to join her in the bedroom for intimacy unless she told him.
He thought she planned to sleep because she said she felt exhausted. He missed the underlying message that she wanted him to follow her. Believe me, her husband wanted to know when he had a bedroom invitation. His wife needed to unveil her request and make it clear in a language her husband understood.
Protect His Bible
A full crockpot of soup sat on the kitchen island with containers scattered across the counter that I planned to fill for the freezer. My husband laid his Bible on the counter near where I worked. My heart squeezed. What if I spilled broth on his favorite sturdy Bible?
But all I said was, “I’m putting the soup into the containers.”
“OK.”
That’s it? I might spill it on his Bible? No, he didn’t sense my concern. He took my words at face value and thought everything was okay. Anger rose within me.
Later, I realized I probably should have said, “I’m working with the soup. Would you mind closing your Bible for a few minutes while I fill the containers? I don’t want to spill soup on it.”
Presenting a Honey Do List
One gal complained, “I’ve asked him several times to do these three tasks, and he doesn’t do them. When he comes home from work, he lies on the couch and looks at his phone. I’m frustrated.”
Her husband says he feels exhausted and has to recuperate after work. What can she do?
Given the clear communication issues, I suggest she list the chores or broken items on a sticky pad or notepaper and leave it on his desk or by his bedside. In a calm voice, she should let him know where she placed the list of tasks she wanted done. Then, let him do them at his own pace.
Effective communication combines asking for what we want and receiving with thankfulness, even if it doesn’t match our request. When we speak honestly to our husbands, we may not get the item we expected, but we know God ultimately provides all our needs, not our husbands.
Make a Gift List
A woman told me she was mad at her husband. She made faces and rolled her eyes. Her husband, however, didn’t catch what she tried to say with her body language. Why didn’t he get it? She gave him these signs, and he didn’t understand them.
Ladies, our husbands understand what we think and feel through the words we communicate. While body language can convey some meaning, effective communication relies heavily on spoken words.
It’s important to remember that men often think differently from we do. Many of us choose to marry our husbands because they offer a perspective on the world’s problems that contrasts our own. We were drawn to men who complemented us and filled in our gaps.
SINCE WE HAVE ONLY OURSELVES TO CONTROL,
WE BECOME THE CATALYSTS FOR TRANSFORMATION.
Work to Change How Our Responses
If we expect the other person to read between the lines, our reactions often get misunderstood. Though we can’t insist our husbands tell us what they believe, they become more open to communicating when we model sharing our thoughts. When we become less critical, complain less, and find better ways to express our desires, our husbands will listen more, fulfilling our need to feel heard.
Two people slow dance together on the dance floor. After dancing for a while, one person decides to get a drink. The other person chooses what to do. Most of the time, they follow their partner to the refreshments. This dynamic occurs over time; it’s not instantaneous. One person’s change in action influences the other to shift in their behavior.
We want to work on changing ourselves, and let God work on our husbands. If we try to change our spouses, it doesn’t work out well. On the other hand, when we tell them what we need or want, the transformation happens.
Watch Why Most Wives Don’t Get What They Want
Don’t Make Them Guess
“How do you feel?” he asked.
I felt horrible and didn’t know what to say or do. I had come home from the hospital earlier in the week. The medication made me feel fuzzy-headed, and I couldn’t put words to how I felt. I told my husband I’d get back to him soon after I prayed and thought about it for a while.
We don’t want to make our husbands speculate how they could best meet our needs. Don’t play a guessing game that will frustrate both of you. Our husbands often don’t know what we want. They aren’t mind readers. But if we provide enough details, they can find, order, or do the tasks we desire.
Don’t shut him out just because he can’t hear your thoughts. Talk to him. If he isn’t receptive, step back. Don’t criticize, complain, or try to control him. Instead, appreciate the small pleasures in your life and make an effort to smile.
When we make our wishes known, more of them come true. Our fulfillment doesn’t come by demanding it, but by letting our husbands into our thought process. Let’s learn to ask questions instead of assuming our husbands know what we want.
If we feel fear, angst, or worry, remember our men may misinterpret our body language even if we’ve been married for many years. We must tell our husbands how we feel and share our hearts without complaining.
