Women in my Bible study classes often shared a common experience: they expected to change their husbands’ habits after the honeymoon. But as they got to know their dream men better, they realized they weren’t as perfect as they believed. This realization became a turning point for the wives, as they understood they had no power to overhaul their husbands. Their attempts only led to resentment.
When we sound like their mothers and tell our husbands what to do, they tune us out or walk away in anger. Grown men do not want to be treated like children by their wives. Criticism or yelling usually does not motivate our spouses to change their behavior. Instead, it often solidifies their current habits.
Creating an environment where our husbands feel respected and valued is key. We invite positive change by responding to them as their girlfriends and lovers rather than their mothers. Praise or compliments for deeds we admire encourage them to repeat those actions. When our husbands feel our consistent support, they relax and often show more affection for us.
The Lord draws our loved ones to Himself because He wants us to experience successful marriages. Our spouses are safe in Jesus’s arms. He has the power and ability to achieve what seems impossible for us. When we recognize God is the only one who can transform our men’s hearts and minds, we feel more confident leaving them in His care.
So now I am giving you a new commandment: love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. ~John 13:34
Pick Up the Socks
What should we do when our husbands leave dirty socks on the bedroom floor? Maybe we nag them, but this usually leads to little or no response. Instead, if we express our request by asking them to put the socks in the hamper, we will more likely reach a better solution with fewer confrontations.
Regardless of whether they follow our request, the best approach is to accept their view of the situation and avoid bringing it up again. If we mention laundry again, it comes across as nagging and harassment. We have two choices: pick up the socks ourselves and put them in the hamper or leave them where they are.
When our husbands run out of clean socks, they will decide what to do next. They might buy new ones, go without them, or finally put them in the laundry basket. When I described this scenario to my husband, he said he would ask me to wash the socks. Whatever decisions our husbands make regarding their possessions is their choice. We must stay out of the process unless they ask for our input.
Keeping our possessions organized more effectively influences how our spouses maintain their spaces than if we nag them. Badgering our husbands will not help us accomplish our goal of getting our socks off the floor without creating resentment. That’s when we hear their sarcastic responses like, “Yes, dear.”
Remember that our partners are grown men capable of handling their clothes. The socks, or whatever else belongs to them, are not worth an argument. We can express our preferences without letting stuff or possessions drive a wedge between us.
Our marriages are far more crucial than the little issues we sometimes try to control. We need to accept or tolerate things we dislike in a way that promotes harmony with our spouses. When we no longer recite a list of their faults, they become more open to our requests and explanations.
Men are perfectly capable of caring for themselves. When we interfere, we risk treating them like children. We may not agree with their choices, but they might not appreciate some of ours either. Ultimately, our husbands will make their decisions and face the consequences, good or bad, that come with those choices.
So now I am giving you a new commandment: love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. ~John 13:34
The Biggest Challenge
The biggest obstacle we face while enhancing our marriages is taking charge of our behavior. Exerting self-control is a powerful tool that empowers us, yet it is often overlooked. Let’s focus on controlling our actions instead of trying to fix our husbands. This is where actual change begins, and it’s a change we can initiate.
When we feel the urge to correct our spouses, let’s
- Ask God to touch the hearts of the men and draw them closer to Himself.
- Pray for God to bless their jobs and favor them with those in positions of authority.
- Request the Lord allow our husbands to feel His love and support.
God encourages us to improve our marriages by following His commands. He guides our steps with a gentle whisper of the Holy Spirit. When we heed God’s advice for godly wives, He rekindles the love between our husbands and us. His guidance provides reassurance and hope for a better future.
Unhappy with God’s Choice
Early in my husband’s military career, while stationed in Alabama, he worked at a desk and came home each night for dinner. However, when we transferred to Germany, his new position included field exercises, which presented a big challenge. Before arriving in Europe, I hadn’t realized how frequently I would have to take full responsibility for our boys.
I felt unhappy and often grumbled about the hardships of military life. I didn’t appreciate living in a foreign country with its cultural changes, which differed from home. I also hadn’t anticipated the impact of my husband’s job in an infantry unit, which required him to spend time in the field.
The division frequently left the area for training lasting thirty, sixty, or ninety days multiple times a year, leaving me alone with the kids for months at a time. Living alone in a foreign country made me feel isolated and uncomfortable, which led me to complain about our Army life.
Franka, our pastor’s wife, became my close friend and mentor. One sunny afternoon, we walked in the woods to a playground where the boys could run and amuse themselves. After listening to my complaints, Franka offered me some sound advice. “Joyce,” she said, “you must stop complaining about the military. It is God’s financial provision for you.”
Her statement drastically transformed my perspective on our life in Germany and on field exercises. Since the Lord provided for our financial needs through my husband’s job, I realized God was the one who brought me to this foreign country and culture. Franka’s wise counsel friend encouraged me to embrace our stay in Germany, where we spent almost ten years in five locations.
Modified from 12 Keys for Marriage Success Key 7, No Nagging by Joyce Zook
Watch Offering Opinions Instead of Instructions
