From 1st Corinthians 13

I did it. I kept score, if not the actual number of things, then at least a mental list of the times I thought my husband had done something wrong or something I didn’t like. I commented on the most recent thing he did that I didn’t like. Then I added three other things he’d said or done wrong in my opinion to the conversation. The next time, we argued. I continued adding to my list of grievances.

Marriage Is Not a Game

Marriage is not a game of soccer, football, baseball, or any other sport. Keeping score in a relationship can lead to an unhealthy relationship. The Bible tells us not to keep account of wrongs or any misdeeds, perceived or actual, that we recall.

Love keeps no record of being wronged. ~1 Corinthians 13:5

A woman confided that she and her husband disagreed on how to discipline their children because he often yelled at them. When I asked her how she responded, she admitted to yelling back at him.

Another woman expressed frustration over multiple projects her husband hadn’t completed, including installing a small pool in the backyard, sorting through a barn full of furniture from deceased family members, and dealing with mounds of paperwork. “We’ve got tons of projects around the house, and he won’t tackle any of them,” she lamented.

Additionally, one woman shared her desire to lose weight, but only if her husband joined her. Dieting with a partner gives shared accountability and can help to stay on track. However, her decision ought not depend on whether her husband would join her or not. She told me, “I would give up my Dr. Pepper and eat a salad every day if he would stop smoking.” This mindset places control over her choices in the hands of the other person.

Some women told me they won’t have sex with their husbands again until they apologize and treat them nicely. That is not a kind approach, and it does not solve the problem. Instead, it will more likely escalate the situation into an even bigger issue.

I might step on your toes today. Perhaps you want to scream at me and say, “Joyce, you’re mean.” From my perspective, I’d like to share more effective methods we can use for handling our negative feelings.

Let’s explore ideas we can use to stop keeping score and improve our relationship with our husbands.

6 Tips to Stop Keeping Score

1. Stop using always and never.

I got trapped in the always and never merry-go-round. I got mad at him and started keeping track of the number of times he didn’t come home for dinner, tallying up the score. I felt like he didn’t value us and prioritized work before me and the kids.

When we use “never” or “always,” we utter words that only apply to two beings: God and Satan. God is always right, good, and true. Satan never is. (See John 8:44 and Numbers 23:19)

2. Take control of yourself.

Don’t let a situation escalate. We can control what we do. Decide to have a conversation and ask questions instead of yelling or bringing up past events. If you succumb to this type of battle with your husband or someone else, take a breath and regain control of yourself. Walk away if needed. You have the power to make this happen.

You may think, “Oh, Joyce, I can’t stop when I’m angry.” But imagine this: I walked into your house, smelled smoke, and yelled ‘fire,’ you would grab the kids, your Bible, your grandma’s ring, whatever else you can carry, and run out the door as quickly as you could.

Consider this scenario: the kids have misbehaved and begin to argue with you when your phone rings. Suddenly, you answer with, “Hi Susie. It’s good to talk to you today.” One moment, you yelled and instantly switched gears when the phone rang.

Maybe you and your husband bickered in the car on the way to church. You rubbed each other the wrong way, yet upon arriving, you walked in the door and greeted others with, “Hi, how are you doing?” or “I’m doing fine,” with a smile on your face. 

This demonstrates a truth we may not have recognized: we can stop one action and choose another when we deem it worthwhile to do so.

3. Take turns talking and listening.

Share your concerns openly, honestly, and sincerely in your communication. Learn to have a good conversation and avoid yelling. Focus on what they say. If someone recounts a list of things they think you did wrong, take a moment to reflect on their words.

For instance, when my husband repeats himself, it’s often because I didn’t listen well enough to understand what he said. He told me what I needed to do, and he kept repeating it until it drove me crazy. Once I took charge of my thoughts and emotions, I finally grasped the true meaning of what he said. He was worried about my safety in the car, which he thought needed to go to the shop.

To improve our listening skills, we make a point to sit down, face each other, and take turns speaking and listening.

4. Determine what you want.

My husband didn’t come home for dinner at a regular time. Frequently, the people in his office or those he worked for dropped off tasks at 4:30 or 5:00, expecting him to complete them by the next day for their 8:00 a.m. business meeting. He didn’t have a choice. He had to stay late and finish the work.

Once I thoroughly understood his dilemma, I stopped expressing my frustration, which I had thought I couldn’t do. Then I developed a plan to handle dinner, regardless of whether he could make it home by 6 pm. If he could come home by six, we enjoyed dinner together. Even if he had to go back afterwards, we had a few moments together as a family.

When he couldn’t get home by six, I kept the food warm while I ate with the boys. After dinner, I fixed a plate for him and put it in the refrigerator so he could heat it later in the microwave. I no longer kept track of the number of times he missed dinner with us.

5. Stop keeping score

Be intentional about not keeping score in conversations and your interactions with your husband or others. Avoid the temptation to assume you are always right. We often tend to think our way of doing something or our understanding of a situation is the correct one.

If my husband and I disagree on a fact, I want to celebrate when we find out I’m right. Then I say, “I’m right, I’m right, I’m right” as a light-hearted way to celebrate because we don’t keep score. Instead of dwelling on the mistakes others have made, I choose to focus on my accomplishments and the times I’ve acted appropriately.

When we keep a mental list of the mistakes our husbands or others have made, we tend to focus on those. However, when we make an effort to look for the good in others, we notice more positive traits. Keeping track of another person’s faults and mistakes conveys a sense of superiority, which doesn’t foster a healthy marriage.

6. Learn to Forgive

When we learn to forgive each other, we stop keeping score. The practice of regular forgiveness has kept our marriage together for over four decades. The Bible tells us to forgive others’ faults and mistakes 70 times 7. See Matthew 18:21-22.

In my book “12 Keys for Marriage Success,” I describe a method for forgiveness I first learned from Judi Rossi and have since used many times myself.

First, you make a list of your husband’s faults, mistakes, and poor choices you kept track of in your head.

Then you take a moment and ask the Lord to remind you how you responded. Did you yell at her husband for yelling at her? Did you nag him about it, become resentful, or withhold sex because of what he did or said? Often, when we feel we’ve been wronged, we respond with a poor reaction.

Next, we offer our sinful behavior to the Lord and ask for His forgiveness. Then the Lord tells us to forgive others as He forgave us. We need to forgive our husbands for each item on our list. See Ephesians 4:32.

As we review the items on our list, we choose to forgive our husbands for when they said the wrong words, were mean, repeated themselves, or did something we didn’t like.

Watch – Don’t Count Wrongs