This is one of the hardest parts in this Love Is Not series to write. After my first marriage failed over 47 years ago, I felt certain I would never consider separation again. However, in the years that followed, I faced moments of such hopelessness in my marriage that I thought leaving would solve the problem. Each time, though, God revealed to me that the problem did not lie in my marriage itself; it stemmed from elsewhere.
Business Expectations
Many years ago, when computers were not yet common, I felt hopeless and helpless, with no clear way to explain my problems to my husband. We had a home-based business, and I, the wife, was expected to do the accounting by hand. Both assumptions now seem unbelievable, but computers had not become common household tools, and many people did not trust them.
I often struggle with math and tend to transpose numbers or make other mistakes. As a result, managing the financial aspects of our business became a constant source of tension between my husband and me. I felt trapped and emotional, unable to find a way out of what seemed like a hopeless situation. I tried to do things his way, but I reached a point where I felt I couldn’t please him or the company we worked for any longer.
I Threw My Wedding Ring And Drove Away
I tried to tell him how I felt, but consumed by emotions, I couldn’t define the problem or any potential solutions. My husband thought my emotional state resulted from an inability to communicate my feelings because he didn’t understand the issues I faced.
In a moment of frustration, I threw my wedding ring across the bedroom, got in the car, and drove to the other side of the Mississippi River. I sat in a parking lot, contemplating my next steps. I needed a way to express my thoughts, move beyond my emotions, and focus on identifying the problem. I had to determine what I wanted and explore potential solutions that could work for both of us.
After a while, I calmed down and moved beyond my initial feelings. With more prayer and reflection, God helped me develop a plan I thought might work for us. During a calm, unemotional discussion about my bookkeeping accuracy, my husband recognized my frustration. He spoke with the company’s leadership, who agreed to let him handle the accounting while still meeting the organization’s requirements.
At first, it seemed like a hopeless situation. However, God prompted me to dig deeper and consider the real issue. I wanted to please my husband, but I also struggled with my lack of mathematical skills, which limited me from following the company’s rules.
Church Expectations
About twenty years later, after my husband retired from the military, it happened again.
I reached a point of hopelessness in our marriage over an issue where I wanted to please my husband, and I couldn’t. My husband loved the little church we attended and the fellowship he shared with the men, but didn’t know the subtleties I learned from listening to the women.
I found myself once again trying to please my husband instead of addressing my own feelings. I expressed my discomfort about being in that church and hoped God would change me. However, I didn’t share any of the insights or concerns I received from what the women told me. Instead of discussing the issues and ideas causing my distress, I became focused on making my husband happy.
I felt hopeless and considered leaving my husband because I didn’t agree with his opinions about the church. I even looked in the phone book for places nearby where I could live. I wanted to be a godly wife, following her husband. However, when I tried to please him, I lost sight of my core values and beliefs, as if I lost myself. There came a point when I had to face facts, not only feelings.
Once I decided to make a list of their beliefs, the points I disagreed with, and the places where my understanding of Scripture differed from theirs, I stopped feeling stuck in my emotions. Then I shared the list with my husband, who hadn’t heard from the men what I had learned from the ladies. The women voiced beliefs I disagreed with on marriage, a wife working outside the home, public education, medicine, and proper dress for women, among other matters. With the information I provided, my husband could assess whether the men viewed these topics in the same way the women shared them with me.
The question arose once again: What do I want to do? This shifted my mindset from hopelessness to problem-solving. I discovered a church a few miles away with a ladies’ Bible study that met during the week. It would allow me to spend time with other ladies studying the Bible while still supporting my husband at the small church. I shared my desire to join the women’s study with him and assured him it wouldn’t interfere with my involvement at the current church.
The new group gave me something I enjoyed, which made the entire situation feel less hopeless. I decided to stop dwelling on my negative feelings about the church and wait for God to guide my husband about what we should do next. During an uncomfortable phone call while we were on vacation, the pastor made his disapproval of our actions clear, saying he did not see them as right.
Similarities
In both situations—the business and the church—I felt hopeless, as if there were no possible solutions. I needed to figure out the root problem in each situation and address it without letting my emotions take over.
In our home-based business, I explained to my husband why I didn’t manage the accounting accurately. I communicated what I felt I could contribute without handling the financial aspects of the business. Later, God convicted my husband that we needed to stop our involvement with that organization.
As for the church situation, I took time to identify my own beliefs and desires. Once I clarified what I wanted, I stopped complaining about the circumstances at the small church. I accepted where we were, and I found a way to pursue something I valued through the ladies’ Bible study.
Turn Hopelessness Into Hope and Healing
In many situations, we can turn hopeless around when we stop doing a few things and instead add other attitudes and actions into our lives.
Stop:
- Stop blaming others.
- Stop comparing yourself to others.
- Don’t compromise your core values to please someone else.
- Avoid running away from problems; it creates a temporary solution rather than resolving the issue.
Instead:
- Fill Your Heart with Kindness – I drove back across the bridge and shared my thoughts with my husband. I told him what I liked, what I didn’t, what I felt capable of doing, and what I thought I couldn’t do. I took a good look at who God made me and how I could best use my gifts and talents for Him. I acted kindly toward my husband while remaining true to myself.
- Develop an Attitude of Gratitude -What could I give thanks for? In the situation at the church I mentioned earlier, I felt grateful that God provided me with opportunities at another location for a women’s Bible Study. There, I found the kind of study I wanted to join. I was grateful that God and my husband gave me an option that met my needs.
- Be Patient – I chose to accept that I would attend the ladies’ study while still participating in our current church for a while. Over time, we both visited the worship service at the new church and felt comfortable there. After a while, my husband understood my concerns about the small church and was willing to try something else.
- Learn to Find Contentment- Contentment meant accepting that things may not be exactly as I want them, and I cannot always fulfill my husband’s desires either. However, we discovered a place of contentment where we could both have some of what we want. We have learned to accept that life won’t be perfect.
- Forgive Each Other Often – I forgave my husband for not changing like I wanted. I also forgave myself for my anger and for not seeking solutions. Then I asked the Lord for peace and the courage to do the right thing in a difficult situation. Remember, God forgives you.