What does it mean not to be mean? One of the opposites of kindness is being mean. It’s easier than I thought to act mean, even without thinking about it.
I often find it challenging to recall instances when I was mean, especially since I don’t like thinking about when I was unkind to my husband or myself. However, I do remember being mean to my kids.
I had yet to learn how to discipline them when they misbehaved. I would yell and say words I regret now because I didn’t know how to manage my anger. Eventually, I learned discipline strategies that didn’t resort to meanness.
Sometimes, when my husband came home late or we had an argument, I’d bring up unrelated issues, like, “You never do this,” “You never help,” or “You always do that.”
Always and Never
I’ve discovered that “never” and “always” are harsh because they only apply to two beings. God is always love. He always forgives us when we come to Him and always has our best interests at heart.
In contrast, Satan, the evil one, is never truthful. He never tells the truth and has no regard for our well-being. He aims to prevent us from prospering with the Lord or growing in our relationship with Him.
Love Is Not Mean
What does it mean to be mean? Perhaps a friend or coworker made an unfair comment, or the government made a mandate or rule that felt unjust. Even our little habits around the house may irritate our spouses or those we live with.
Did you respond sharply when a loved one made a spiteful remark because it hurt your feelings? They say one of the most dangerous times to be around a dog is when it’s injured. Trying to help a hurt animal might bite you out of pain, even if it has never bitten anyone before.
Our hurt can manifest as anger, and we may respond harshly when our spouse or a store clerk snaps at us. In these moments, our words may become hurtful or spiteful. We might think the other person intentionally upset us, leading us to retaliate with hurtful comments or actions.
Kind and Caring
1 Corinthians 13:4 states that love is kind. Let’s examine what love is not, looking at being mean as the opposite of acting lovingly, learning to curb our mean responses, and becoming more kind and caring.
Someone once asked, “Do you do as many nice things for your husband as you do for your best friend?” I seldom feel spiteful toward my best friend. Simple acts of kindness include making their favorite meal, giving them a thoughtful gift, or spending quality time together.
When I feel tired, I tend to make spiteful remarks. These comments often stem from exhaustion and the need for rest. I’ve learned not to attend events or be around others when I’m too tired because I lose control of my words and unintentionally make a comment that’s not nice or could easily be misconstrued as mean. Being mindful of what we say, especially when tired, helps prevent unnecessary hurt and maintain healthy relationships.
8 Ways to Stop Being Mean
1. Consider whether you are angry about something.
Often, we act mean because we’re angry and want to hurt someone, much like a dog who bites. If we’re angry at our husband, kids, or a friend, let’s take a few moments in prayer to figure out what’s making us angry. Then, ask the Lord for guidance on how to address the problem. Controlling our anger brings relief and peace, empowering us to handle the situation gracefully.
Do you need to speak calmly with the person, forgive them, or take care of part of the problem yourself?
2. We want someone to care about a task as much as we do.
One woman I knew was frustrated because her husband hadn’t built the pond in their backyard, even though they had all the supplies. When I asked her what she needed, she said they needed a small backhoe.
I suggested she talk with her husband and schedule a weekend to build the pond. She could also reserve the backhoe. She discovered she could pick it up and prepare everything for the day they selected to do the work. As a result, she stopped feeling angry at him for not building the pond, and they completed the project together once she took those final steps.
3. Try to See from the Other’s Point of View.
My husband is determined to keep moving forward and engaging in activities, even if they might cause him pain. His actions sometimes anger me because I don’t like seeing him hurt himself. However, I also need to consider his feelings. He is genuinely trying his best and wants to push through the discomfort. He doesn’t want to be sidelined by the pain and perseveres.
Each time this happens, I have two choices: confront him about my concerns or pray he recognizes his limits and trusts God will guide him when it’s time to take a break.
4. Don’t judge others.
I must admit I’ve struggled with my reactions when I hear others discuss their problems, especially when they seem unwilling to resolve them. I have critical thoughts when I don’t enjoy some aspects of the music at church. I realize these thoughts aren’t loving; they’re unkind or mean.
There are many loving and kind ways to handle these thought patterns. When we encounter something we dislike, good options are to pray about it or talk to someone with the authority to address it. However, we need to stop complaining and criticizing others when it’s beyond our control or not our responsibility. God is still in control and working even when we don’t see it.
5. Look at the situation from the other person’s perspective.
Empathy is a powerful tool for understanding others’ actions and feelings. It bridges the gap between us and our loved ones, fostering a deeper connection with a more profound connection. I often help women see situations from their husbands’ viewpoints. Many women express frustrations about their husbands, commenting, “I wish he would do this” or “I wish he wouldn’t do that.”
Looking at the situation from his perspective changes how we see the problem and gives us a different attitude about what happened. Remember, our husbands talk about a subject as it appears from a man’s point of view, which is not usually how we view the world. Avoiding conflict or meanness comes when we recognize that others respond according to their life experiences, which frequently differ from ours.
6. Learn to listen.
Remember, God gave us two eyes, two ears, and only one mouth for a reason. We need to listen not just with our ears but also with our eyes. How do we listen with our eyes? We observe body movements, such as when someone gets tense, folds their arms across their chest, rolls their eyes, or avoids eye contact. We all use facial expressions and body language to communicate our feelings.
Understanding your loved one’s body language is essential, as it reveals how they feel. So, listen carefully with both your eyes and ears. What are they saying with their body?
7. Think about what others want.
Are we willing to share our lives or focus only on our desires? It’s reminiscent of children arguing over a toy. I remember telling my kids, “Share your truck with your brother. If you can’t share, I’ll take the truck away.” Even as adults, we must learn to share our time and relationships. We won’t always be able to do things our way.
8. Treat your husband and loved ones like you treat your best friend.
When I need to discuss something challenging with my girlfriend, I call her and schedule a coffee chat. However, before I do that, I pray until I find a loving way to express my needs. I also ask God what I need to change or how to offer help.
Remember, love is not mean.
