~1 Corinthians 13:5
I love this quote from Max Lucado, which illustrates the meaning of love is not rude.
Rudeness snatches parking spaces. Rudeness mocks others. Rudeness interrupts. Christ, on the other hand, was courteous. He was patient, thoughtful, and careful to treat people with respect.
How well do you love others as God wants us to love? When I reflect on my behavior, I recognize moments where I fall short and have to admit I have acted rudely at times.
Rudeness
In 1 Corinthians 13, God teaches us about love, including the instruction that “love is not rude” in verse 5. He provided this description of love because He knew we would need reminders to learn to love as He does. God knows that loving others well requires effort and a daily commitment to lean on Him.
Rudeness involves speaking and acting in a manner that others perceive as offensive or disrespectful. It includes impolite gestures, sarcastic comments, and dishonoring others with hurtful words or attempts to embarrass them.
I Didn’t Need to Yell
One day, I learned a valuable lesson from a different culture. We lived in Germany, where my husband was stationed with the military. Since we lived in a downtown apartment, I took our grade school-age boys to the park to play, where they interacted with the German kids.
When it was time to head home, I did what I usually did. I shouted, “Jeremiah, Michael, it’s time to go home.” As I called for the kids across the park, every single eye turned to look at me.
I felt embarrassed. To the German onlookers, my actions were disrespectful. While this might have seemed normal in the United States, the Germans considered it inappropriate. Like usual, the boys didn’t respond to my shout, so I paused and watched how the other mothers called their children.
They walked near their children and quietly told them they it was time to leave. I thought my kids would never respond to a soft instruction. Then again, would they only listen if I raised my voice or got angry?
Once we returned home, I established consequences for not responding to my gentle request. I told them that if they didn’t stop playing and follow me when I told them, we would skip a day at the park. They tested me once to see if I meant what I said, then they quickly responded after a day stuck at home because they liked playing at the park.
Yelling From Another Room
As I put my soft request into action, I realized how often I yelled at my kids from another room. We tend to do this between husbands and wives, as well. We shout to each other from different rooms and then wonder why we don’t get a response. Many years later, as my husband and I both had difficulty hearing, we found ourselves saying, “What? What? What?” back and forth. Instead of walking into the room to talk with the other person, we kept speaking loudly until we realized how rude we had been.
To show more respect for each other, we stopped whatever we were doing, walked into the other room, and faced each other. Face to face interaction lets us express ourselves in a pleasant tone of voice.
I noticed other people yell at their children and tell them to do something. Then the parents looked confused and frustrated when their kids didn’t respond. Shouting at each other is rude and usually results in neither person actually hearing what the other said. People, including our children, respond better when we make our request in a pleasant, calm, face-to-face interaction.
I also discovered I yelled at the kids to stop yelling. I knew children imitate far more of what they see others do than what they hear. Here’s the surprising part: when I spoke in a calmer voice, the kids did too. I found it quite a challenge to change how I interacted with them, but it resulted in a much more peaceful household over the years.
Stop Interrupting
How do we respond when someone interrupts us while we’re speaking? We often see this on television, where people talk over each other. From leadership classes, I learned that sometimes in business meetings or when managing a small group, the leader may find it necessary to interrupt to keep the group on topic.
If we respond with anger, the other person will likely react with anger as well. The Bible teaches us to treat others as we want them to treat us. If we approach a situation with anger, it will only escalate.
Do to others as you would have them do to you.
~ Luke 6:31
When I cut my husband off in the middle of his comments, I’ve learned to apologize by saying, “I’m sorry. I’m listening now.” Then I make a conscious effort to truly listen without planning my rebuttal. If you struggle with interrupting your husband, as I do, I have a tip for you. Cup one hand and put the opposite elbow in it, then cover your mouth with your fingers. This makes it impossible to say a word, helping me stop interrupting.
We can still speak politely when we think we need to interrupt. At times, I want to ask my clients a question about a specific issue they mentioned. In those cases, I say, “Excuse me a moment. I want to discuss that point further.”
Listen Before You Speak
As I listened to our small group Bible study one night, I heard my husband make a comment with which I disagreed. I said, “Lord, what would you have me do?” God, stop me. He knew what I wanted to say would be rude. Later in the conversation, one of the other members said, “There are times for us all to do different things. Sometimes when our health has big issues, it’s best not to go on a mission trip, but instead find another place we can serve people.”
This summed up perfectly what I had wanted to say. My husband heard it. I saw him accept it, not reject it. If I had made my comment in front of our friends, it would have come across as interrupting, and I would have been perceived as rude.
Lessons Learned in Kindergarten
Love is patient and kind; never rude. Love doesn’t aim to embarrass others or make us look bad. Remember how our parents or grandparents prodded us with, “Say thank you.” As small children, we learned the importance of saying “please,” “thank you,” and “I’m sorry” when we hurt someone. These lessons we learned as 5 years we’ll practice for the rest of our lives.
Expressing gratitude, even to our husbands, brings an atmosphere of love and acceptance into our homes. I often thank my husband for drying the dishes for me. On Sunday nights, he treats me like a princess by making my dinner and doing the dishes.
Treat Them Like Your Best Friend
If we treated our husbands like we treat our best friends, I bet most of us would be a lot kinder to the men we married. Husbands and wives will need time for private conversations, but don’t fill them with sarcasm, cutting remarks, negative talk, or demeaning comments. Those can quickly destroy the communication between you as a couple.
When I disagree with my girlfriend, we meet over coffee and discuss the issue at length. I might say, “There’s something I have a problem with regarding what we talked about the other night. I felt uncomfortable with the comment you made about …” Then I listened as she explained her perspective. Eventually, we clear the air as we both stated our points of view. We don’t agree on everything; however, our friendship stays intact.
We discussed the matter. We didn’t yell or say, “Boy, that was rude.” Nor did we stomp off or turn our backs, which might be how we react toward our husbands. Notice I used “I” statements as I expressed my concerns, which allowed my friend to share her thoughts without feeling attacked. The same techniques work in our marriages if we take the time to calm down and talk instead of fighting.
Achieve Better Results
Love is courteous, not rude. Love does not interrupt; instead. Strive to treat your husband like your best friend. Soft responses help slow down a conversation and improve the results we hope to achieve.
A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.
~Proverbs 15:1
Whether we communicate with a child, a friend, a customer service representative, or your husband, a calm, firm voice produces better results than rudeness or shouting. Instead, tell your story calmly and peacefully to achieve a more positive response.
Watch – Breaking the Habit of Disrespect
