The Bible teaches us to love others as we love ourselves. (Mark 12:31) We must take care of ourselves and not depend solely on friends or loved ones for our happiness; However, our love is not to be self-centered. God calls us to love others as we love ourselves. This means we strive for a balance between practicing healthy self-love and extending God’s love to others.
Long-lasting love involves shifting our focus away from ourselves. Loving well means we consider the wants of our immediate family. In a healthy marriage, the relationship doesn’t revolve around one person. It’s not strictly about my wants, but it also doesn’t mean ignoring my desires to focus solely on my husband. It’s a delicate balance between loving ourselves and loving others.
Signs You May Be Selfish
What does it mean not to be self-centered? Often, we recognize our own self-centeredness in how we respond to others. Consider the following question.
Do you:
- Interrupt a Conversation to Focus on Yourself? When others share their stories, do you listen attentively, or do you interrupt to tell what happened to you?
- Feeling the Urge to Tell Someone How to Give Unsolicited Advice? Even if they haven’t asked for your guidance, do you feel compelled to tell them the correct way or how to fix the problem?
- Get Irritated When Your Husband Wants Something You Dislike? Maybe he wants to watch a certain show or eat at a particular restaurant. Do you react negatively, or do you try to find a solution that accommodates both of your preferences?
Reflecting on these questions can help us understand and overcome self-centered behaviors.
Include Your Husband in Your Schedule
Early in our marriage, I learned to include my husband in my schedule. Initially, I filled my calendar with the kids’ activities and mine, but didn’t include my husband. He is a crucial part of my life and should be included in our plans. It’s all about finding the right balance between me, him, and the children.
Do you take care of yourself enough to say, “I want to do this today or this week?
Then ask your husband, “What can I do for you? How can I help you do what you want to do?”
Try to Balance His Wants and Yours
How do we strike a balance between taking care of ourselves and allowing each person to maintain their sense of self-worth? One way is to imagine what life would feel like if we walked in their shoes.
My frustration had built throughout the day as I cared for our two preschool boys. When my husband came home from work, I wanted a break and felt the urge to vent the woeful details of my day to him the minute he walked in. However, I also knew he hoped to have a little time to unwind, too.
Taking a moment to pause, I considered his perspective. I realized he wanted a chance to relax, and change his clothes after a long day at work. We discovered that when I said to the kids, “Daddy is home, daddy’s home,” the boys ran to greet their daddy. Then I got a break, and the boys spent time with their daddy, reconnecting while he decompressed.
A simple phrase accomplished two things without making me feel selfish. It helped my husband transition from work to home, and allowed me time without the kids as I cooked dinner. Meanwhile, the boys could chat with him while he changed clothes, giving them time to bond with their daddy.
Over the past few years, my husband told me that phrase each evening helped him transition from work mode to family mode. It reminded him of his responsibility to take care of the kids.
Consider How Can You Serve Him
I’m a retired military wife, and I’ve shared many stories from30 years of experience. In the past, Army uniforms required detailed ironing. When I ironed my husband’s first set of pants and top, I tried my best, but according to him, I didn’t do it right. He explained to me in detail how to iron the uniform properly.
I had a choice: I could either get upset because he didn’t like how I ironed his uniform, or find another solution. Bottom line, my ironing didn’t meet military standards. We reached a compromise. I took his uniforms to the cleaners. They handled the uniforms the “correct” way, and I could provide him with clean, pressed uniforms.
Understand How He Views Time
My husband and I have different perceptions of time. I usually have a pretty accurate estimate of how long housework and normal errands will take, but I struggle to gauge how long it will take to write a blog or a book. My husband, on the other hand, tends to think of time in terms of how long he hopes an errand or project will take, rather than how long it actually takes.
Recently, he mentioned he planned to run an errand and thought it would take about an hour and a half. I kept my thoughts to myself because I believed it would take three or four hours. I tried to see the errand from his perspective. He wanted it to take a certain amount of time because he had other plans for the day. Instead of correcting him, I chose my response carefully and said, “Have a great day, hon. I’ll see you later.”
As he walked away, he said, “I may not be home for lunch. This might take longer than I think.” I didn’t need to say another word.
Consider When He’s Focused on a Project
My husband wants to work in his office without any interruptions. After retiring from his military career, he has embraced his new roles as an author and music teacher. When I have a time-sensitive question that cannot wait, I’ll go into his office. But most topics can wait until he comes out for a snack or a meal. Instead of disturbing his focus, I make a note of topics I want to discuss with him and leave them on the counter for him to see.
Get to Know What Interests Him
Once you know what interests your husband, figure out how to appreciate his hobby with him. My husband loves football. I do too, but it took me a while to figure out how I could enjoy watching sports on TV.
Over the years, I’ve made an effort to watch golf on television. I enjoy riding in the golf carts and admiring the beautiful courses. However, when I watch golf on TV, I mostly see a little white ball that goes from here to there and every once in a while, where the golfer wants it to go.
What I truly value is spending time with my husband. While I might not want to sit through a whole Sunday afternoon of golf, I appreciate the hour or two we spend together. I find I enjoy my time with him most when I work on my cross-stitch projects while he watches a sport he likes.
Serve Him Food He Likes to Eat
Although I don’t always cater to my husband’s food preferences, we strive to create a balance so we both enjoy our meals. My spaghetti casseroles serve as a great example.
My husband prefers his spaghetti with plain sauce and noodles. I like mine with diced slices of pepperoni, spaghetti sauce, and nondairy cheese. To accommodate both of our tastes, I prepare two small casserole dishes. He gets his spaghetti the way he likes it, and I enjoy mine the way I prefer.
Soon after we got married, my husband mentioned that he wanted his spaghetti sauce to taste the same every time. I wrote my recipe on a card, and for the past 40 years, I’ve prepared it the same way. About a year ago, I decided to add mushrooms to my sauce, and to my surprise, he said, ” Oh, that looks good. You could put those in mine, too.” After many years, our spaghetti sauce now includes mushrooms.
Implement a Calendar Date
One of the most significant practices we’ve established over the years is our weekly calendar date. Each week, we sit together with our calendars to discuss the important events of the next week. I keep track of my husband’s activities in my calendar, and he makes a note of mine, which helps us plan meals and know when the other person will be home or out of the house.
About once a month, we take additional time to look ahead to the next two to six months and discuss activities we would like to include. When the boys still lived at home, this regular calendar date included them and their schedules. During this time, we also decided who would drive them to which activities.
Unselfish Love
- Include Your Husband in Your Schedule: Make time each day to talk about your days and plan a couple of hours a week at home or out of the house to do something fun and interesting.
- Find Ways Where You Both Get More of What You Want: Do you both want a break after work? How can you arrange the day to give you both more of what you want?
- How Can You Serve Him: What task can you take off his plate to make his life a little easier?
- Understand How He Views Time: Some of us can estimate how long a task will take to do a task pretty accurately, and others can’t. Learn to give each other grace and accept the differences.
- Consider When He Is Focused on a Project: Is what you have to say crucial right now, or can it wait until a more appropriate time?
- Get to Know What Interests Him: Try several ways you can join your husband or show an interest in what he likes.
- Serve Him Food He Likes: Experiment with creative ways you can both eat what you like.
- Implement a Calendar Date: When you know what each other has planned on your schedule, you can find time to be together and plan when you will eat your meals.
