When we feel bitter or want revenge, we think, “You hurt me, so I want to hurt you.” Here’s an example.
Imagine you drive down the road, and you see an accident right in front of you. The guy two cars in front of you slams on the brakes. Then the car guy right in front of you bangs into him.
In scenario one, both drivers calmly exit their cars, look at the bumper damage, then exchange contact and insurance information.”
Scenario two is full of revenge: Both men jumped out of their cars and stomped to where their two vehicles had collided. “You came out of nowhere, slammed on the brakes, and gave me no time to stop!” Wham, he threw a punch at the guy. Bam, the other guy hits him back. Suddenly, the two guys are in a fight.
What started as a minor fender bender turned into a bigger problem with the arrival of the police, who had to report both the accident and the fight. In the end, their revenge only made the situation worse.
A Biblical Answer to Bitterness and Revenge
A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.
~ Proverbs 15.1 NLT
Unfortunately, many people in our society harbor revenge or bitterness in their hearts. People attempt to retaliate for comments or actions they perceive as wrong. However, the desire for revenge — whether in a marriage or with acquaintances — does not solve the underlying problems.
Let’s examine several everyday situations where individuals tend to seek revenge or harbor bitterness.
Bitterness and Revenge in Marriage
A wife might refuse to have sex with her husband because he didn’t apologize, or he made her mad. This can lead him to seek love and affection elsewhere, as he didn’t receive it at home.
When hurt, some people withdraw and refuse to communicate, at times for years. This silence often stems from a desire for revenge. If a couple doesn’t talk to each other for several days or weeks, their marriage is in serious trouble, as unaddressed bitterness can destroy a relationship.
I love the verse where God says He will take revenge in His way.
Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, “I will take revenge; I will pay them back,” says the Lord.
~ Romans 12:19
God does not intend for us to have the responsibility to correct another’s actions or want us to harm them because we feel hurt. He wants us to turn the consequences for the other’s misbehavior over to Him. Then we can work on healing from the pain or find a solution to the problem.
A Friend Hurts Our Feelings
When our feelings get hurt, we need to consider our responses. Why did we respond the way we did? Did we roll our eyes in disgust or leave the room in an attempt to avoid saying something we might later regret? Did we go to another room because we didn’t want to continue the fight, or did we need to calm down? Maybe we actually want to hurt the other person when we walk away.
If a woman at church, work, or in a social group makes a comment about us that wasn’t true or insults us, we often try to avoid them. We don’t use the same door they typically use; instead, we sit on the other side of the room or hang out with different people.
We may avoid the person who upset us to hurt them or as a way to protect ourselves from further insults. If we desire revenge, then we need to turn the hurt and consequences over to God. We may also need a private conversation with the person we want to avoid to see if we can make peace with her.
If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.
~ Romans 12:18
Love is not revengeful, and it’s not bitter. So, what do we do about it?
Admit You Have a Problem
First, we must acknowledge our struggle with bitterness and the desire for revenge. Years ago, in a Bible study I attended, a woman would often criticize me, even from across the room. Others noticed her rudeness, while I avoided confrontation with her due to her authority within the organization.
Once, after an ill-mannered comment at the refreshments table, she asked, “Why do you not say anything when I do that to you?” I calmly explained that I wanted to honor her position as the head of the organization and trusted God to handle the situation.
Years later, we exchanged a friendly hello, and I realized I no longer carried any bitterness or resentment towards her either. This experience taught me valuable lessons. I learned to avoid confrontation and pray before I spoke in a group. I asked the Lord, “Do I need to say this or pray this?” A prayer establishes a personal boundary that helps me stay in a group where someone is quite negative.
Talk About It – They Can’t Read Your Mind
Your husband, like anyone else, cannot read your mind. I realized this when I worried that I might have hurt a friend’s feelings during a Bible study. She couldn’t know my thoughts, so I called her to clarify and apologize if I had hurt her feelings.
In marriage, open communication keeps our relationships healthy, healing, and growing. We may need to ask, “Can you tell me what you’re thinking?” After 47 years of marriage, I still struggle to understand what my husband thinks or feels. When I try to guess, I make assumptions that aren’t accurate. I’ve learned to ask him what he thinks or what he plans on doing instead of guessing.
To avoid conflicts and misunderstandings that could lead to bitterness, we have established several routines to ensure clarity and understanding. We have a weekly date to do a fun activity and discuss any issues that have arisen since our last meeting. We also have a monthly budget date to review our finances. In addition, I asked my husband not to request a decision after 8 pm, because I’m too tired and don’t think clearly.
I encourage you to set aside time daily and weekly to discuss any issues or concerns with your husband.
Set Appropriate Boundaries
A married woman shared how hurt she felt because her mother frequently told her what to do, criticized her actions. When I asked how often she spoke with her mother, she told me they talked every day. I suggested that she limit her calls to once a week, to create a boundary around her mother’s influence in her daily life.
Dr. John Delony recommends that individuals or couples use a small box that can hold 3×5 cards. On each card, they write the name of one of five or six people who have a vote in your life. Pick people whose opinions you trust will speak truth to you in a loving fashion.
Some people in your life may not be healthy for you to spend time with. Those who abused you, led you away from your beliefs, or encouraged bad habits. I encourage you to make intentional and thoughtful decisions about who you allow to influence your life.
Take Time to Rest and Pray
When we feel hurt, it’s often because we’re tired, exhausted, or worn out, and as a result, we may not respond in our usual way. Step back, relax, spend time in prayer, and seek a new perspective. When we take care of ourselves, we honor God and allow His hands to heal our bodies while He restores peace in our hearts and minds.
Turn your problems over to God, and then engage in an activity that takes your mind off the problem. With a calm mind, we often gain a clearer understanding of the situation before we address the issue again.
Here’s another helpful tip to conclude with. When we address a customer service issue, whether over the phone or in person, we should approach the situation with a calm and gentle spirit. If we communicate our problem in a peaceful and steady voice, it conveys our message with a lower chance of the other person becoming defensive. We might say, “I understand we have a problem, but I believe we can work it out.”
For example, I once received a doctor’s bill for lab work that I didn’t know I would need to pay for. I hadn’t requested the test, and my insurance wouldn’t cover it. It took over a year to resolve, but I handled the situation calmly and ultimately reached a settlement.
Keep in mind, love is not bitter or revengeful.
Take it easy. Take it calmly.
To deal with bitterness:
- Admit you have a problem: you may feel bitter or have to deal with someone else’s desire for revenge.
- Talk about it: Remember, your husband or whoever can’t read your mind.
- Set appropriate boundaries: Stop going to places where you get hurt repeatedly. It’s okay to set those boundaries for yourself.
- Take time to rest and pray: Take time to consider what God wants.
Watch:Love or Revenge? Which Path Will You Choose?
