Women often tell me their husbands don’t listen. Yet many husbands feel that no matter what they say, it’s wrong, or no matter what they do, they didn’t do it right. When I show women a list from my 12 Keys for Marriage Success book of things we can or may need to change, the one they point to most often is “No Nagging”. Our criticism may be one reason our husbands have stopped listening. Somehow, we have to learn how to express our desires and wants without being critical.
Learning what to do instead of criticizing is not a one-step fix for every problem in our marriages. But it opens the door to better communication. It helps us talk about what we want, find compromises, accept that we are two different people, and offer each other grace and forgiveness.
Here are three tips we can use to begin our journey toward being less critical.
1. Be Realistic.
Maybe he leaves his socks on the bedroom floor and walks right past them without even seeing them. We have several options. We can yell at him about the socks on the floor or criticize him for not setting a good example for the kids.
But who wants to get in bed and make love with a spouse who constantly complains about them? I understand this goes both ways, but transformation must start with one person willing to take the risk of changing. When we change our own behavior, it can create a snowball effect and encourage others, especially our husbands, to consider changing their habits too. (Luke 6:31)
So what choices do we have if we don’t want to complain? I suggest we mention the issue once, say how we feel, and ask for what we want.
“I feel disrespected when you leave your socks in the middle of the floor. Could you please put them in the laundry basket? If I moved the laundry basket, would it make it easier for you?”
Socks aren’t worth straining my relationship with my husband. I don’t want to harm our harmony in our marriage over dirty socks on the floor. Gals, we must choose our battles carefully. Socks on the floor won’t ruin a marriage, but staying angry about them can.
When we criticize or complain, others may avoid us, or the project we hoped they would do may not turn out the way we expected. Instead, let’s look at what we can change or what we may need to accept as simply different from our way.
2. Look for the Positives. Focus on What Your husband Does Right.
Research has shown it takes five positive interactions to counteract one negative. I’ve even heard it can take ten positives to counteract a negative, particularly if a person’s love language is words of affirmation.
When was the last time you complimented your husband? In the past, compliments didn’t come naturally to me. But I learned that a quick “Thank you” improved the atmosphere in our home and made our communication more positive.
My husband has put in tons of work on our yard over the last few years. After an epic snowstorm, we had lots of rain, which caused limbs and several trees to fall in our yard. Sometimes, I want to criticize him for how hard he works and how much he wears himself out.
But what if I appreciated his work instead? What if I asked if he needed a bottle of water? Would I get a better response than if I criticized him?
The other day, my husband worked in the yard in the morning and then did a big activity in the afternoon, too. The next day, he said, “I should have taken a nap yesterday.” He didn’t need me to say it. He didn’t need me to act like his mama. He already had a mama. He’s a man and an adult. I’ve been married to him for 47 years. He can make his decisions.
When I noticed the hard work had hurt his back, I said, “Honey, when you spend so much time on the yard work, you wear yourself out, and it feels like you don’t want to spend time with me. I miss our date nights, and I want us to enjoy them without feeling exhausted.” Then he pointed out that I had the same problem and needed to make sure I didn’t tire myself out before our time together either.
This goes both ways.
3. Don’t Take Their Behavior Personally.
Remember, our husbands will make mistakes; they will get tired, and both of us may get overcommitted. Our friends and family have many reasons for their behavior, and often those reasons have nothing to do with us.
I had a habit of criticizing myself, others, and sometimes life in general in the evening when I felt tired. I like to say my switch goes off at eight o’clock at night, and it’s not a good time for me to make decisions.
I had to tell my husband this because when he asked a question at night and I felt tired, my normal answer was “No,” to almost everything.
So I suggested we talk about those things in the morning, or I’d give him my answer then. After he considered my comments, he realized I had spoken the truth. I don’t make clear, accurate decisions at night because I’m tired.
We can easily become overcommitted and may need to back out of a few commitments for a while. If we maintain the same fast pace, we may become exhausted and say or do things we later regret.
If you already feel that way, take a break from a few or even most of your activities. If your loved one or friend feels tired or grumpy, give them space while you do something to care for yourself.
Let’s look at what we criticize others for and ask whether we struggle with the same difficult habit. Often, we do.
