Criticizing tears our relationships apart and reflects poorly on our character. Luke 6:41 says, “Why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own?” How often do we attempt to fix others and, in the process, become judgmental and critical of ourselves? We may believe we are right about certain issues while ignoring our own problems.
I doubt anyone can go through life without making mistakes or saying an inappropriate comment; I know I have made a few mistakes along the way. For example, at one book sale we decided to use two tables instead of one, and I told my husband how I thought we should arrange them.
We had a couple of hours to set up, and my husband had a specific idea for how he wanted to place the tables. As I started to tell him what I thought, he gave me a look that said, “You may want to step back and let me handle this?” You might know that look well when you realize you’ve said too much and it’s time to keep quiet for a while.
I stepped back, and I watched my husband move the tables. His arrangement of our booth worked wonderfully throughout the conference. We displayed more books and interacted with the attendees more effectively while using his configuration.
In this situation, my husband had a good idea even when we didn’t have much time. If I insisted on my way, we might have argued and fought because I thought he did it wrong. Or he might have said, “You do it,” but I couldn’t take over since I hadn’t yet fully recovered from surgery.
Golden Rules of Criticism
Two golden rules of criticism stand out to me. While criticism may lead the other person to do the chore your way in the short term, it often fosters resentment and distance in relationships. For example, they may arrange the tables according to your preferences, but it comes at the cost of harmony and closeness in your relationship. When we insist on doing a task our way, we create distance between ourselves and those we love.
Is our way better? Possibly. But does it really matter where the tables go at a book sale or which line we stand in at Walmart? I believe our relationships hold a much greater importance than these trivial choices. I know value mine more.
Criticism often leads to dishonesty. If you criticize someone for eating too much junk food, he might stop consuming it at home but indulge at work instead. They may keep buying snack food at gas stations or stop by the fast-food place on the way home. When faced with criticism, we don’t want to change. We may even hide our behavior rather than take steps to improve, thus building a wall of dishonesty in the relationship.
Healthy, loving relationships need honest, open communication to foster the intimacy we desire. Remember, the Bible tells us that when we try to take the speck out of the other person’s eye, it’s kind of like pointing one finger at the other person while the rest of the fingers point back at you. (Matthew 7:3-5)
Once in a while, I find myself criticizing my husband for how he handles situations. When I recognize what I’ve done, I take a moment and consider my actions. I apologize and kiss my husband, and our relationship improves. I believe yours can too.
Negative Bias
The more we criticize, the unhappier we become because we tend to focus on the negative. Research shows that when we look for the negatives, we notice even more negatives around us. This phenomenon is known as negative bias. https://www.verywellmind.com/negative-bias-4589618
Conversely, when we look for the positives, we see more positives. Why? Because our brain tunes in to what we focus on. Whatever we search for, we will usually find it.
For example, one place we lived had a large divided highway lined with many fast-food and sit-down restaurants on either side. When I wasn’t hungry, I could drive through without noticing a single restaurant. However, as mealtime approached, my mouth watered when I saw my favorite places to eat on the side of the road.
When we actively seek beauty, we see more of it. For instance, we might notice a beautiful park, or a flower growing out of a crack in the concrete. If we don’t take the time to look for beauty, we might walk right past the flower and only see the crack.
The same principle applies to disciplining children. If we focus solely on criticizing them for their mistakes, we may miss any positive behavior they may exhibit. On the other hand, when we praise them for acts of kindness or helpfulness, they tend to repeat those positive behaviors.
